A month ago I said yes to a change in the school schedule when I did not want to. That is people pleasing in its plainest form, a yes you give while meaning no. This is how to stop people pleasing one yes at a time: catch it, ask what your first answer was, and say a clean no.
When you co-parent, there is an art to negotiating, and I understand why I agreed. I still don't like that I did. It cost me my freedom and my peace of mind. It cost me my sense of self, because I had gone against myself. It changed my movements every week, and it has taken focus away from my business.
What it looks like just before the yes
In the people I work with, I see the same four things before a yes they don't mean. There is a hesitation. The energy crumples a little. Then there is some consideration, and then the rationalising starts.
The rationalising does not stop you hearing your first answer. It stops you acting on it. Your first answer was already a yes or a no, and by the time the reasons arrive, you are usually building a case for the opposite.
What the yes is doing
A yes you don't mean pays you something. You get to be the easy one, the one who is liked, the one who is not the difficult one in the room. That is a real reason, and you are the one choosing it.
The way I see it, it is also a form of manipulation, one most of us learned early: we agree to keep things smooth, and the other person behaves in a way that lets us feel safe. Seeing it that way is uncomfortable, and it gives you the choice back. Something you are doing is something you can stop doing.
Caring about other people is not the problem. A yes you mean is just kindness. The problem is the yes you give for what it pays you.
How to stop people pleasing, starting small
Start with a no that costs little, to someone who is easy to say it to, and notice what happens. Before you answer, catch the crumple and ask what your first answer was, before the reasons arrived. Then say it short. Skip the long explanation, and skip announcing in advance that you know you will disappoint them.
Here is a no of mine. Someone wanted to arrange an event in my space that I was not aligned with, and I gave a very firm "ask me first." He deleted the post, apologised and explained why he had done it.
I started out afraid of saying no, and I think everyone does. You fear it will cost you a friendship, or bring rejection. In my experience a no goes down much more smoothly, and more powerfully, than we ever dream of.
If you have been saying yes while meaning no for years, I keep a free 45-minute call open for exactly that: peteradams.coach/call. For now, try it once, with someone easy. There is more freedom in it than you would guess, and I think you will find it.